she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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