Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
