I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
