I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
meet me or not, i'm out of control
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
