i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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