Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Randomize
