I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
