Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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