I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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