I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
