Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
