So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
