Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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