he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
