he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
