Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
