Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
