I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
