It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
