got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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