things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
