I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
