You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
