So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Randomize
