hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
