Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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