I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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