I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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