apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
