my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
do herpes really smell.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
