just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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