1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
