The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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