One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
