I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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