So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
