I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
