Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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