u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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