Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
