it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
