I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
