Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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