Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
