You can't special order awesome
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
