I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
