I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
