What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
