so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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