I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i love accidental penises.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
