You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I need moral support for this bender
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
