What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
