Buhtt sex?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
