My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize