question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
