just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
