I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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