I think I won the penis lottery.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
